Spiritual Growth Tips for Shitheads

• Spiritual growth allows us to develop our inner power and strength, which are useful tools for crushing all those who oppose us.

• Think positive. If you find yourself thinking negatively, immediately switch to thinking positively. For example, if your dog gets run over by a car, just think of all the money you'll save on dog food.

• Read spiritual and uplifting books. Think about what you read and how you can use it to annoy everyone you know.

• Meditate for at least 15 minutes every day. If you don't have 15 minutes because you are parent, tell your children to shut the fuck up and mind their own shit for 15 lousy minutes so mommy can get her goddamn chakras in some semblance of fucking order.

• Look deep inside yourself and try to find out what it is that makes you feel conscious and alive. Like burritos and weed.

• Spiritual growth will allow you beyond your mind and ego to realize who you really are. A real dumbass.

• Explore your past lives. Using a past life regression MP3 to explore the root cause of something can be an eye-opening experience. Be aware however of the possibility that you were not as enlightened in previous lives as you are in this one and might tell yourself to fuck off.

• You can change your attitude and really improve your life by acknowledging the fact that you are a spirit with a physical body, not a physical body with a spirit. Or is it the other way around?

• Create a mental force-field of protective white light to shield yourself from the negative energies emitted from toxic people, lost souls and the poor.

• Learn to broaden your mind. Consider the idea that there is no future, present or past and that we are all connected and part of a collective consciousness that thought up 9/11 and the holocaust.

• Develop the happiness habit, by always looking at the bright side of life and endeavoring to be happy. Happiness comes from within. Or prefrontal lobotomies. Ask your local spiritualist about the "Rosemary Kennedy".

• Thank the Universe for everything that you get. Including bunions and cancer.