South Sweltering Under Imposition of Gay Marriage

One week after the Supreme Court abolished federal protection of traditional marriage by declaring the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional, southern states have begun to bristle under the imposition of gay marriage.

"It's a nightmare, plain and simple," complained Alabama Governor Robert Bentley, "It is both cruel and disgusting to force gay marriage on good, God fearing Americans."

Jeffrey Smith of Somerville, Alabama described the hardship he has endured since swapping his wife for her brother Karl in order to comply with the new federal law.

"My wife was never all that good looking, but sometimes I'd get the right kind of drunk to give her a roll in the hay," said Smith, "Her brother on the other hand - I got drunk and slapped him the other night, and he hit me in the head with a lead pipe."

Other lifestyle changes have also proven difficult for many to get used to.

"Karl and I used to love watching NASCAR. Now we watch House Hunters, which is crap. Who gives a shit which house these people buy?" Smith said, "We also have tickets to see Cher in September. I thought she was dead."

It has since been revealed by Smith's ex-wife that he and her brother have adopted a Chihuahua which they dress up in a little mariachi outfit and totally hate.