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Tips for Hosting a Misguided and Angst-Filled Socially Distanced Outdoor Gathering
For many, the product of a complex collision of primitive instinct, emotion and intellectual rationalization during these trying times has compelled them to want to continue to socialize with friends and family, but at a safe distance. If the above describes yourself accurately, the following are tips that might help you have the type of gathering that will at once satisfy and frustrate these fractured and contradictory needs combining to determine your life choices.
• Parties with a theme are always more fun. The end of the world, for example, which is surely near. Invite your guests to share with the rest of the party the thing they'll miss most about our doomed civilization while you serve them glasses of homemade hemlock wine to ease their transition into the afterlife.
• Come up with some fun punishments for guests who remove their facemasks for any reason other than to consume food or drink as quickly as possible. Like pelting them with rocks from a safe social distance, or beating them with long tree branches.
• Consider making sure that any party favors you hand out are recyclable as anyone with any sense whatsoever is going to toss them directly into the trash.
• Make sure that any cocktails you serve contain at least 70% alcohol to assure your guests that their drink will at least be safe from the invisible death virus lurking all around us.
• One upside of COVID-19 is that it allows you to have a party without revealing how few friends you have. Be sure to tell your three guests that you limited the size of your gathering for everyone's safety.
• Another benefit of hosting a party during COVID-19 is that it gives you an excuse to not invite the elderly or people with chronic illnesses, who can be a real drag.
• Get creative. Decorate sticks and broom handles that guests can use to keep other attendees at a safe distance, or to beat them with if they come within six feet.
• Think of some interesting conversation starters beforehand to keep things lively. For instance whether Coronavirus can be transmitted by secondhand smoke should anyone light up during your party.
• Try making it an outdoor movie night. Set up a projector and screen, and if your neighbors have anything to say about the noise, tell them with that dog of theirs' that barks all god damn day and night that they can go fuck themselves while you and your friends watch fucking Ghostbusters.
• If you're voting for Trump, disregard all tips involving social distancing or mask wearing mentioned above. You're divine existence is impervious to nature's pitiful attempts to punish your gluttony and restore any semblance of universal balance. Enjoy!
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