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GOP Senators Shift Hunter Biden Investigation onto Shlomo Sanders

Republican Senators announced today that they have suspended their investigation into the role Hunter Biden played as a boardmember of the Ukrainian energy firm Burisma to focus instead on Shlomo Sanders, the 52-year-old autistic son of Bernie Sanders who works at a zoo.

According to a press release issued this morning, the same group of GOP senators who had been investigating Biden will "aggressively pursue" the new probe into Shlomo Sanders after details of Sanders' three-year tenure as a Visitor Assistance Specialist at the Montpelier Animal Park recently came under scrutiny.

"There are certainly questions that need answering. Very serious questions," Senator Charles Grassley, R-IA, remarked. "For example, how did Mr. Sanders obtain his position at the zoo when he had no previous zoo experience? Also, there appear to be some irregularities surrounding a concession stand and the receipt of stolen goods."

According to tax records released by the Treasury Department within minutes of their request this afternoon, Sanders is currently being paid over $11 an hour at his job with the animal park - a position typically held by elder retirees on a volunteer basis.

"He mostly stands around giving directions," a former coworker revealed. "It's usually old ladies doing (that job), but Shlomo's nice. I used to give him free nachos."

Meanwhile, President Trump, who is reportedly monitoring the investigation carefully, weighed in on the investigation via Twitter.

"Slippery Shlomo being investigated! Finally good cops going after real crooks!" he posted this morning. "Anyone want 'directions' from someone who can't even make eye contact? Not me! No way Slippery S. gets that job if his name isn't Shlomo Sanders! Shame!!"

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