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Michael Sam: "On Second Thought, I Love Pussy"
One week after telling the New York Times and ESPN that he is gay, NFL prospect Michael Sam has recanted those words, claiming that he is in fact a heterosexual.
"I was just kidding," the former Missouri Defensive end said, "Gotcha."
Interrupted once by a call from his girlfriend, Sam made his latest surprise revelation to the press in the wake of media speculation that an openly gay player might be viewed as an unwanted distraction by many NFL teams, and would likely negatively impact his value in the draft.
"I'm not really gay," Sam proclaimed, "I actually love pussy. I love the way it smells, I love the way it tastes, I love the way it looks like that alien from The Thing that ate Wilford Brimley."
When asked about confirmed reports that he had told his Missouri teammates prior to the start of the 2013 college football season that he was gay, Sam dismissed his coming out as "a hoax".
"I still can't believe they fell for that one," he chuckled.
Sam later shouted, "I aint no faggot!" before smashing the podium and stomping out of the room.
In the hours since his retraction, ESPN analysts have restored their projection of Sam as a mid-round pick after having putting him on the bubble earlier in the week.
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