Putin Threatens to Shut Off Russian Prostitute Supply

Vladimir Putin raised the stakes in the standoff over Ukraine today by threatening to cut off the flow of Russian prostitutes to Europe.

Coming one week after the United States imposed sanctions on several officials within his inner-circle, Putin's latest move is leading many to speculate on his mental state.

"This is either a bluff or the man has lost his mind," remarked Garret Frum of the Guardian, "The gas we'd expect, but if Putin skips straight to the hookers - that would be a real problem."

Despite having taken measures to reduce their dependence on Russian natural gas in recent years, Europe still imports over 60% of its prostitutes, and nearly 75% of its high-grade prostitutes, from the Russian Federation.

"Most European countries cannot provide for their own prostitute needs because their women either lack adequate exposure to crushing poverty or are too ugly," stated European Commission Francois Lafayette, "This gives Russia the power to cause problems - because they could force men to have sex with Romanian prostitutes or their own wives."

If completely shut off, the loss of the 5 million harems of high-grade pussy Russia currently supplies the West per year could lead to catastrophic repercussions.

"Such a move would certainly heighten tension throughout the region," Lafayette said, "Tension that would build and build until, inevitably, it caused an explosion. It's a sticky situation that's bound to get messy."