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President Trump Sculpts 'Perfect' Statue from Own Excrement

President Trump raised a few eyebrows this morning when he interrupted his own press conference to present a self-made statue of himself apparently constructed from his own excrement.

Producing the sculpture from beneath his podium in response to a question regarding his latest overture to a foreign country to investigate Joe Biden, Trump referred to the likeness - which reportedly resembled little else than a pile of feces - as 'perfect', and, 'a very nice statue'.

"I made it myself. It's a very nice statue, don't you think?" the President asked his stunned audience. "I'd probably say it's perfect, actually. Not like the statues of previous administrations, which are honestly very poor."

The preseidential stool, the greasy yet mildly sweet odor of which drove several reporters from the room while causing a number of others to vomit, remained a focal point of the conference from the time of it's unveiling.

"I made a statue," Trump later reminded the conference. And then, after asking whether anyone had a question for the statue, he re-directed an inquiry regarding his mental state to the statue, which he then claimed to have said about himself that he is, "Terrific. The best statue maker ever. Everyone says so."

Meanwhile, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell remarked of the President's statue: "It's a very nice statue."

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