Enjoying Gay Porn Is Not Gay
By: Yoweri Museveni - President of Uganda

Ever since enacting broad new punitive laws designed to curb the scourge of homosexuality in my country, a prolonged debate concerning what constitutes gay acts has ensued. For instance, my latest ex-wife would not relent from her position that wearing a brassiere under one's military uniform is gay, so I chopped her tits off and fed her to a pack of starved hyenas.

Alas, in keeping with my long legacy of fair rule, such tortuous hashing out of new policy is my obligatory burden - a responsibility I do not take lightly. After all, when the penalties for infractions are so severe, clear delineations should probably be made.

Therein lies the rub, however. My staff and I were quick to concur that such acts as being a supporter of Simba FC, crying while your family's corpses are rolled into a ditch or watching "The Bachelor" are clear homosexual acts punishable by castration, death or anal rape - depending on the extent of the offense and the age of the offender and his physical fitness. Other topics did not yield such a swift or easy consensus, however - in particular the question of gay porn.

Is there something really inherently gay about watching two, three or more highly virile, muscular men making love? Several of my inner-circle felt there was, and they were promptly stripped of their power, raped and decapitated. My Vice President, Gilbert Balibaseka, on the other hand, espoused an alternate view - that it was perfectly normal to watch such material, but to please oneself to it would be gay. This assertion both confounded me and displeased me profoundly. What kind of person watches porn without wanking off? The very notion is absurd, and anyone ignorant enough to propound it is saliently unfit for any duty above the most mindless, backbreaking labor, so I spared no time in dispatching his soft, unshapely hindquarters to the mines.

Well, heavy sits the crown, I suppose. Lucky for Uganda and its people God granted me such infinite wisdom. (Yawn). Servants, anaesthetize my lion and apply his makeup. I'm feeling quite tense.