NRA Recommends Americans Wear Bulletproof Tubes At All Times

Responding to the rising frequency of mass shootings around the country, The National Rifle Association has recommended every American wear body length bulletproof personal protective tubing at all times.

"The vigilant use of such equipment will save lives while shielding the peoples' Second Amendment right to bear arms," remarked NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre during a press conference today.

LaPierre went on to describe the attributes the "exciting" new equipment should possess.

"The tubing should be both long and wide enough for its wearer to assume a defensive, crouching position that would protect their lower legs and feet," he said. "Also, it should contain a closable top hatch to prevent someone in an elevated position from shooting down onto their head."

Proceeding to sketch a crude representation of such a protective device onto a dry-erase board, Lapierre went on to mention that they would need to be made from an acrylic or polycarbonate-based material impervious to high speed ammunition and should be designed with everyday needs and functions in mind.

"The tubes would need arm holes and doors in the front and back for the elimination of body waste," he noted as he drew. "They should also be kept stocked with water and snacks in the event of any prolonged stand-offs."

Responding to a question from the media, LaPierre expressly recommended that the tubes not be removed at night while sleeping.

"The equipment should be large enough to a pillow, blanket and alarm clock," he said.