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Moore Campaign Looks to Mobilize Alabama's Massive Pedophile Population
After spending weeks in damage control against allegations that their candidate is a child molester, Roy Moore's campaign is now looking to mobilize Alabama's sizable pedophile population to put him over the top in his Senatorial race against Doug Jones.
"Some people call it pedophilia, but we say it's only natural," commented one advisor to the Moore campaign, alluding to the nearly 50% of the Cotton State's male population that believes sex with a girl as young as 13 is acceptable. "I mean, if God didn't want us to have sex with them, why did He make 'em so pretty?"
"If they're old enough to bleed, they're old enough to breed," the man went on to add. "That's just science."
Indeed, while Democratic political action committees continue to attack Moore for his history of solicitation and assault of young girls while he was in his thirties, teams of Moore volunteers are fanning out over the state in an attempt to get out the perv vote.
"We all know where the pretty young girls in our towns live, and mostly speaking, the houses surrounding those houses will be owned by men who can help us win this thing. Heck, lots of times even the house where the girl herself lives," one Moore supporter explained. "I've got a daughter myself who's starting to sprout petals. Like a young Bailee Madison."
The man, who then immitated a lion's growl, justified his side's efforts to, "Take lemons and make lemonade."
"Ultimately, electing Roy is about preserving good, Christian family values," he argued. "Like slavery and fucking children."
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