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Trump Calls to Congratulate Congo's "Machete" Margai on 99% Presidential Win

President Trump called the Democratic Republic of Congo this morning to congratulate Thomas 'Machete' Margai on a decisive victory that saw him re-elected as the African nation's President yesterday.

Capturing a whopping 99% of the vote, Margai's win will extend the 5-term incumbent's administration another 4 years.

"He's obviously very popular with his people," Trump said of Margai - a moniker the Sub-Saharan leader reportedly earned for his ruthless management of a cobalt mine he oversaw prior to his presidency.

"I congratulated him on his win and remarked how it reminded me of my own - especially in states like Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, something that's never been done before," Trump continued. "I think he was really thrilled about it, though I couldn't really understand what he said what with the bone through his nose."

Margai, who is reportedly calling for a recount of the election's results, will undoubtedly hunt down and kill all those who voted against him.

"It sounds like the people of Bongo had a choice, and that's what democracy is all about," Trump stated. "I think its terrific."

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