July 4th: Nation Celebrates Victory Over Indians
With a poignancy that has lingered since the beginning of the current War on Terror, millions of Americans will spend their Saturday celebrating the nation's conquest over the Indians this July 4th.
Armed only with their pioneer spirit, faith in God, guns and cannons, the forefathers of the United States somehow triumphed over an insurgency that initially outnumbered them nearly a million to one, whose determination to eventually fight back was buttressed by the fact that they claimed our land as their own.
"Flouting divine providence, the natives continued to inhabit America long after the arrival of Americans, obstructing the progress of men enlightened enough to recognize the superior value of gold over seashells in their endeavor to establish the Christian, patriarchal, materialistic utopia we all enjoy today," remarked Director of the Bureau of Indian Affairs Kevin Scarlett.
In addition to the fireworks displays, barbeques and parades that are generally associated with the holiday, the re-creation of famous battles with Indians are also a common source of celebration on the 4th, particularly in the Northeast. In Mystic, Connecticut, for example, when locals organize to reenact the Mystic Massacre of 1637, in which 90 Puritans single-handedly vanquished 600 Pequots, the only complication is finding enough Mexican women and children to fill the ranks of the losing side.
Exalted one 8 year-old fan over the yearly spectacle: "It's fun to watch the houses burn and all the weird-looking people run around screaming."
Though greatly aided by contagions such as smallpox, which is estimated to have killed over 5 million Indians in North America between the 17th and 20th centuries, Americans remain extremely proud of their victory against all odds.
"If you can't take a little rash and fever without dying over it, I’m sorry, you're just a pussy," scoffed one American, "They should have ran off to Cuba or Venezuela with the other communist terrorists when they had the chance."
Commemorating his first 4th of July in office, President Obama proclaimed, "Let us reflect on this day, designated apparently as arbitrarily as it has been, on the courage of our ancestors in their conquest of the American Indian, whose cowardice and ineptitude on the battlefield will not be as soon forgotten as the last pocketful of nickels one of us so mindlessly dropped down one of their slot machines."