Gun Safety Tips for Real Americans

• Be sure to conceal your gun where your children would never find it - for instance in a shoe box on the top shelf of your closet with your porn.

• Before allowing any of your children's friends to play in your home where you have guns stored, be sure they've signed a personal injury waiver in the event they blow their heads off.

• Always verify your gun's safety is on before using the butt of its handle to crack nuts or install carpeting.

• When firing off pistols to celebrate a wild orgasm, be sure to aim towards the ceiling and not downwards in the direction of your partner's face.

• Use your head. Apologizing for an accidental shooting acknowledges blame and only serves to turn you into a second victim. Instead, ask whoever you shot what the heck they were thinking standing there.

• If you should find a gun on the street, take it to the nearest police station and loudly announce that you have a gun while holding it for everyone to see.

• Never shoot into a crowd unless the individual you are shooting at is tall enough to provide a distinct target.

• When using automatic weapons in a drive-by shooting, be careful to stop firing your weapon after you've passed the house of the guy you want to kill.

• Always wear appropriate ear protection and red headband when playing Russian roulette.

• Guns are not toys. Never stick a gun up anybody's ass unless you intend to fire it.

• When dueling with pistols, always turn and fire on the count of nine to significantly reduce your chances of getting shot

• Remember – guns don't kill people. Recently dumped teenagers kill themselves.