National Ozzie Guillen Likes Castro Crisis Enters Second Week

America remains gripped in a state of turmoil seven days after Miami Marlins baseball manager Ozzie Guillen revealed that he likes Fidel Castro.

"I respect Fidel Castro... A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that motherfu*ker is still here," Guillen said in an interview with Time magazine last weekend, triggering a national crisis that shows little sign of abating.

"Mr. Guillen has not only ruined my love of baseball, he has ruined my life," one Cuban American wrote before hanging himself Friday.

Authorities estimate that Guillen's remarks are responsible for at least three dozen more suicides across the country.

"Many Cuban exiles see Castro as a despot and a coward for fighting to overthrow a regime he opposed rather than renounce his country for the shelter of a nation that would spend 50 years starving those who stayed with a half century-long embargo," one official explained.

Efforts by Marlins ownership to pacify traumatized fans, including the suspension of Guillen and the scheduling of a Vegas-style "Fulgencio Batista Day" at Marlins Park April 22nd, have yet to show positive results.

"This suspension is nothing but a slap on the wrist," commented one Cuban American, "My family and I didn't come here to be insulted. What kind of country lets people get away with saying such things?"