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Doctor Foils Flesh Eating Bacteria Plot By God Against Girl
Five weeks after God attempted to murder Tammie Copelin by gashing her leg open and infecting the wound with flesh eating bacteria, the 24 year-old college student was released from the hospital in good health today, thanks to the heroics of Dr. Leonard Whitlock and his staff at Woodland Medical Center in Atlanta.
Copelin was injured when a zip line she was riding over the Tallapoosa River in Georgia snapped – an occurrence investigators immediately deemed an act of God.
"This case has God's fingerprints all over it," remarked Haralson County Sheriff Jacob Reddick, "She's a lucky girl. Most people don't survive attacks by God. Just ask little Mikey Bell. Got his head taken off by a frozen ham."
Copelin, whose positive spirit and strong sense of morality likely incurred the wrath of the omnipotent deity, lost a leg and five fingers to the weaponized bacteria God invented – an outcome that could have been much worse if not for the intervention of modern science.
"We don't know why God would want to kill our daughter - other than he's a giant asshole, but we're just so grateful to Dr. Whitlock and all the brave people at Woodland who stood in his way," said Tammie's mother Katherine, "It is entirely due to the efforts of these people and medical science that Tammie is still with us."
Despite her close brush with death, Copelin says she will not try to become a worse person merely to pacify God.
"I am who I am, and if God doesn't like it, he can suck my ass," she said.
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