Study: Temperatures Rising in Wake of Supreme Court Gay Marriage Ruling

JULY 8th - As temperatures continue to rise around the country this week, the Supreme Court's June 26th ruling in favor of gay marriage already appears to be causing observable effects on the environment, many experts say.

With thermometers reaching the 90s across large swaths of the Midwest and hitting triple-digits in parts of the South and Southwest, some are predicting the current heat wave will prove merely a precursor of a meteorological shift of Biblical proportions.

"I expect temperatures will continue to rise through July and into August, until they reach a steady 447 degrees Fahrenheit, the temperature of hell," Gerrit Walker of Spokane, Washington remarked.

Other effects authorities have warned would result from legalizing gay marriage - including loss of sea ice, accelerated sea level rise and an increase in catastrophic weather events - also look to be occurring on a global level.

"Infrastructure, agriculture, fisheries and ecosystems will be increasingly compromised, I believe, as oceans swallow entire cities and scorching storms of flame damage crops and set the world's sinners afire to burn for all eternity," Walker said.

According to a study released by Ted Harrison of Warsaw, Kansas, the extent of climate change effects on individual regions will vary over time with the ability of different societal systems to mitigate the impact of gays trying to use their newly guaranteed constitutional rights.

"I reckon places what try an' keep the queers from gettin' hitched might get off with a bit of drought or a tornado ever now an' then," Harrison said. "But them places like Californy - boy, it's gonna get hotter’n a whore house on nickel night."