Kidz Tipz: How to Start Your Own Street Gang

• The first thing your gang will need is a cool name. A quality gang name should both instill fear and indicate your area of operation. For example, the "Rosy Acres Ruffians", or the "Harbor Terrace Troublemakers".

• To maximize your gang's profitability, corner the drug trade in your neighborhood. If nobody in your neighborhood does drugs, try cornering the market on lemonade or rain gutter maintenance.

• New members of your gang should be initiated by being beaten within an inch of their lives. This tradition can be overlooked, however, if doing so will get you in big trouble with their parents.

• If you're going to be a gang member you're going to have to be hard. For example, if a mama duck and her ducklings start crossing the road in front of you, just run over that shit. Fuck those ducks.

• Create a logo or "tag" that represents your gang. Preferably a bunch of random numbers and letters that nobody could possibly understand. Then buy a bunch of spray paint and paint it all over god's green damn acres.

• A well-armed gang is a strong gang, but guns are expensive. Try holding a fund-raiser in your community to raise the necessary funds, only tell everyone you are collecting the money for cancer research. That way, even if anyone does figure it out it'll be too late because by then you'll have guns.

• Earn the respect and fear of everyone who lives in your hood by committing senseless acts of violence – for example by executing every member of the neighborhood watch committee or by toilet-papering the community clubhouse.

• Hassle the local shopkeep by hanging around his store, blatantly flouting loitering ordinances. You might also propose to offer him protection services from all the bad apples roaming the streets lately. If he refuses, break something. If he then tells you you're going to have to pay for what you broke, refuse to do so.

• Be sure to get permission from any existing gangs in the area to start your own gang. Most gangs are more than happy to share their territory as long as they're accorded the proper respect, but not doing so could result in a turf dispute.

• If camaraderie and killing people aren't enough for your gang, consider starting a gang with a racist theme. Take a vote amongst your members to decide which races you will hate. Australians, for instance. Those job stealing dog eaters.

• If nobody else in your neighborhood wants to be in a gang, try joining drama club, or maybe a soccer team.