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Think You Have What it takes to be a Good Parent? Take Our Quiz and Find Out
(answer key and scoring scale at bottom)
Question 1. Your child’s breathing has become shallow and he/she is turning blue. What do you do?
A. Call 911 and begin administering artificial respiration using proper technique learned in CPR training
B. Invert child by the ankles and shake vigorously
C. Pray to God to spare your child. Doing anything else is a sin likely to elicit more wrath
D. Push child’s head back under bathwater
Question 2. The room your baby sleeps in would ideally contain which of the following:
A. Walls painted in soft colors, friendly looking stuffed animals, safety plugs over all electrical outlets
B. A bed and some blankets (we’re not millionaires)
C. Posters of chicks / dudes in swimsuits, oily rags, dozens of cats
D. Posters of Jesus slaughtering homosexuals with a chainsaw and blowtorch, pictures of aborted fetuses (to instill sense of gratitude), DVD/TV playing perpetual loop of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson sermons
Question 3. Your baby’s first word is a four-letter obscenity. What do you do?
A. Investigate the source of your baby’s exposure to such profanity and take steps to stop it
B. Wash your baby’s mouth out with soap
C. Slap your baby and, using profanity for emphasis, reprimand them for using such language
D. Figure your baby is the son/daughter of Satan and bury it alive in the backyard
Question 4. Your child comes to your room in the night complaining that there is a monster under their bed. What do you do?
A. Using logic and a calm tone of voice, reassure your child that their bedroom is a safe place. Take the time to demonstrate that no such monster is beneath their bed. Do not allow them to sleep in your bed
B. Repeat your child’s request back to them imitating their voice in a derisive manner and order them back to their room. Tell them that your work is very important and how essential your getting a good night of uninterrupted sleep is – so they’ll be that much less skeptical when you slip under their bed late at night later in the week and begin shaking the frame and making feral growling noises
C. Gladly allow them to sleep in your bed – this is your chance to score
D. Tell them that the monster is Satan but he’ll leave them alone as long as they don’t fondle their genitals
Question 5. Your eight-year-old daughter asks you if you think she looks fat. What do you do?
A. Reassure her that she looks normal. Do your best to instill in your child a healthy disposition that promotes good health over contemporary superficial standards of beauty
B. Critically evaluate your child’s body. Using a laser pointer, point out any “trouble spots” and recommend exercises that might be useful in fixing them
C. Tell your daughter that it’s your family’s genes that make you all fat, not the 5,000 calories you consume everyday in front of the TV
D. Beat her for wasting her time consumed with her own vanity (a deadly sin) when she should be serving Jesus
Question 6. You find illegal drugs in your teenager’s room. What do you do?
A. Talk with your child to determine the reasons for and extent of his/her drug use. Explain the dangers of drugs and emphasize that they won’t be tolerated in your house. If their problem is serious, seek professional help
B. Determine whether the drugs are in fact your drugs. If they are, severely reprimand the child and take them back. If they aren’t, just take them
C. Make your child take all the drugs you found at once so they’ll never want to take drugs again
D. Ship your child off to a monastery
Question 7. Your child informs you that they think they might be homosexual. What do you do?
A. Assure them that you’ll love and support them unconditionally regardless of their sexual orientation
B. Throw yourself out the window
C. Ask if you can watch
D. Disown your child and never speak of them again. If you must speak of them again for some reason, refer to them as a ‘dung eating dog’.
A. +3 points A. +3 points A. +3 points A. +3 points
B. –3 points B. +1 points B. –3 points B. –3 points
C. –3 points C. –3 points C. –5 points C. –3 points
D. –5 points D. –5 points D. –5 points D. –5 points
A. +3 points A. +3 points A. +3 points
B. –3 points B. +50 points B. –3 points
C. –5 points C. –5 points C. –3 points
D. –5 points D. –5 points D. –5 points
15-68 points: Throw away those condoms and perforate those diaphragms – you’d make a fine parent.
0-14 points: You won’t make a great parent, but as long as the child isn’t genetically defective it shouldn’t end up going around killing people as an adult, which is the least the rest of us can ask for.
Less than 0: (<0 would’ve been used here, but we all know your kind wouldn’t know what that means – ed.) Not only would you make a terrible parent, you shouldn’t be left to manage your own affairs. In all fairness, people like you should be given five years to kill yourself as part of a mass cult suicide before being placed on a reservation surrounded by a tall electric fence.