November 10, 2004             [home]  [contact]  [links] [disclaimer] [boycott list]

Could you pass a United States Citizenship Test? Take the newly revised 2004 version and find out.

(answer key and scoring scale at bottom)

1. Finish this slogan: “Just Do ______.”

    a. It   

    b. unto others as you’d have them do unto you 

    c. what you’re told

    d. without   

2. Che Guevarra was _________.

a.       a Dominican second baseman who played for the Pittsburgh Pirates

b.      a terrorist who helped ruin the tropical vacations of thousands 

c.       a heroic revolutionary  

d.      third runner up in last year’s American Idol competition 

3. Hungry? Grab a(n) _______.

   a.   apple 

   b.   gorilla  

   c.   Snickers  

   d.   machine gun    

4.  True or False:  It is legal to attempt to influence a United States political  

     representative with petitions, letters and/or phone calls. 

     True  /   False

5.  After work, you’d most enjoy ________.

    a. drinking beer and watching television

    b. spending time with your family and friends 

    c. attending an American Civil Liberties Union meeting 

    d. smoking marijuana and looking at dirty magazines 

6.  The First Amendment of the Constitution grants American citizens _______.

    a. the freedom to choose their favorite sports team  

    b. the freedom to eat as much as they want 

    c. the freedom of speech  

    d. the freedom to run around killing everybody 

7.  The Best Actress Oscar Award winner for 2003 was ________.

     a.  - who cares?  Celebrity worship is a contemptible marginalization device 

     b. Justine Bateman 

     c. a tractor  

     d. Charlize Theron

8.  “I’m ________ it.”

     a.  lovin’   

     b.  buying

     c.  setting fire to 

     d.  fucking  

9.  If a friend recommended a book for you to read, you would _________.

      a. go buy the book new from a bookstore

      b. check the book out from a library

      c. tell your friend to go to hell

      d. say you’ll get the book but then go buy a hamburger instead.  Then if your friend 

          starts questioning you about the book later, tell them that the book was stolen

10.  Sacco and Vanzetti __________.

       a. got what they deserved 

       b. have a fun magic and tiger show in Vegas  

       c. were victims of prejudice 

       d. guarantee delivery in thirty minutes or your pizza is 50% off   

Answer Key:

     Question 1:                  Question 2:         Question 3:         Question 4:                

1. +5 points               a. +1 points         a. +1 points         True: 0 points
2. +1 points               b. +5 points         b. -1 points          False: +3 points
3. +5 points               c. -1 points          c. +5 points
4. -3 points                d. -5 points          d. -3 points

     Question 5:                  Question 6:          Question 7:         Question 8:

1. +5 points               a. +1 points          a. -3 points          a. +5 points
2. +1 points               b. +3 points          b. +1 points         b. +3 points
3. -5 points                c. -1 points           c. -1 points          c. -3 points
4. -3 points                d. -5 points           d. +3 points         d. -1 points

Question 9:                  Question 10:

 a.  +1 points                 a. +5 points

 b.  -3 points                 b. +1 points

 c.  +3 points                 c. -3 points

 d.  +1 points                d. +1 points

Scoring

28-43 points: Congratulations!  You’ve passed with flying colors.  Your insolence will be an asset to your new government.

11-27 points: You just don’t have what it takes to be an American citizen, and you’ll have to go back to wherever the hell you came from.  Sorry.

-33 – 10 points: Terrorist!  It’s Guantanamo Bay for you.  Guards!