March 7, 2005              [home]  [contact]  [links] [disclaimer] [boycott list]

Fashion Police! Red Carpet Patrol

with Melissa and Aleksandr





Melissa Rivers – Daughter of famous comedienne / talk show host Joan Rivers, competed in horse shows in some capacity prior to being anointed as a television fashion reporter.




Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn – Russian author and historian - Served eight years in Soviet labor camps for telling a joke about Stalin. Went on to write the epic “Gulag Archipelago”, a voluminous account of the brutality of the Russian purges and the suffering of its millions of victims. Won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1970.





Imelda Staunton


Melissa: Forget about putting Imelda’s stylist on suspension - just clean out that closet, and hire a magician!  Granted, not every movie role calls for a beautiful young bombshell, but if the academy is going to be so kind as to nominate you for an award regardless, you should at least do us all the courtesy of changing into something you didn’t just spend the night sawing logs in!


Aleksandr: At the conclusion of a district party conference in Moscow in 1924 a tribute to Comrade Stalin was called for and a fervent standing ovation ensued.  Members stood for an eternity, clapping vigorously, afraid to be the first to stop for fear of being spotted and persecuted.  Some nearly dropped dead from exhaustion rather than face the dreadful alternative.  Such shoes as Mrs. Staunton is wearing here would not have served her well in such a situation and would likely have sealed her fate.




Renee Zellweger


Melissa: Calling all cars! Bubbly girl-next-door actress Renee Zellweger has evidently been kidnapped and is being impersonated at the Oscars by a demented Oriental woman wearing, I must admit, a stunning red fishtail strapless Caolina Herrera gown. Search every basement in Chinatown! Forget the fashion police; we need a real detective to crack this case of the missing starlet!


Aleksandr: In 1938 a Russian freight ship full of prisoners passing close by a Japanese island on their way to slave camps became stricken by a fire set in a storage room below decks by looting thieves amongst the captives.  Several Japanese ships offered their assistance, but the captain refused lest they discover the sinister truth of the human cargo inside and even refused to open the hatches. When Japan was left in their wake, the corpses of those suffocated by the smoke were thrown overboard.  This young lady's dress is nice, though, I suppose.




Salma Hayek


Melissa: What’s that sizzling sound?  Did someone order fajitas?  No, its luscious Latino Salma Hayek looking hot as a tamale drenched in Tapatio sauce making her way down the red carpet in a scoop-neck blue Prada frock adorned with black bows, upswept hair and spicy long bangs.  Be still my quivering flan!


Aleksandr: This woman reminds me of a girl who received a five year sentence after being falsely accused by her chief in revenge for not agreeing to live with him.  She appeared in court dressed as attractively as she could manage in an attempt to sway the judge only to find herself sentenced in a most peremptory manner, whisked off in a black wagon in which her fashionable blouse and shoes were stolen by thieves and was taken to a prison where she was soon forced to become a camp prostitute. 






*       Hillary Swank


Melissa: She might have won her second Best Actress Oscar in five years this star studded evening, but the blue high-neck nightmare Hillary Swank donned to come collect was nothing but a black hole that kept this talented yet apparently fashion blind actress from truly shining.  ACK!


Aleksandr: I spent the last few years in Exibastuz camp in Kazakhstan performing manual labor as a miner and a brick layer.  This woman looks like she could have easily kept pace with the men and survived the burden of the toil; however, she would have certainly perished from the cold of the harsh winter in such a garment.