Man Relieved Ebola-Like Symptoms Just AIDS

A patient being treated at a Cleveland hospital for Ebola-like symptoms has tested positive for AIDS, not the EVD virus that has killed thousands in sub-Saharan Africa this year.

The news that the man is infected with a deadly immune disease transmitted by contaminated bodily fluids that is shared by one million other Americans rather than a deadly hemorrhagic disease transmitted by contaminated bodily fluids shared by one other American came as a great relief to the man and an entire nation.

"I was ecstatic to hear that I don't have Ebola, just AIDS," said the man, who continues to suffer from a high fever, headaches, and severe diarrhea two weeks after returning from a trip to Liberia.

Doctors say the man's symptoms are consistent with isoporiasis, an AIDS-related parasitic infection.

"The patient will experience severe stomach cramps, dehydration and wasting," stated Dr. Steven Davis, the man's primary physician.

The updated diagnosis predicts the man will have as many as five weeks longer to live.

Still, a new report estimates that over 3 million Americans will die of Ebola or some other medical condition this year.

"We're all going to die," Davis said.