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Ask a Clinically Depressed Landscape Expert
With: Bill Landis Jr.

Bill Landis is a clinically depressed certified landscape technician uneager to field questions regarding all your outdoor projects.

Dear Bill,
I have built a new house and I don't know what I should do about the dirt up against the house on all sides.

Should I leave it to grass or put flower beds around the house? I am concerned about dirt and moisture rotting the foundation (even though it is concrete)

P.S. I hope you feel better soon. Have you ever tried yoga? The endorphins do wonders.

Susan in Albany

Hi Susan,
First, you should make sure your foundations are sealed correctly and be sure all grading goes away from the home towards the drainage system. Like a marriage, a solid foundation is important to any home. That being said, it is inevitable that yours, like mine, will one day prove unfaithful and crumble. You will wake up and realize all you thought was built to last has rotten beneath your feet and left you to die alone in a hovel of broken dreams.

And thanks for the tip about yoga. Do these endorphins help you forget your wife is fucking her yoga instructor?

Dear Bill,
I plan on redoing my backyard in the spring and need some tips. Specifically, we're looking to bring in some dirt, slope the yard up to the driveway and then replant the entire yard. Now for my question: What is the best way to kill off the grass that is currently in the yard so that we can successfully replant next spring?

Mike in Tuscaloosa

Hey Mike,
To be perfectly honest, I'm probably the last person you should ask about killing anything. I've tried killing myself at least a dozen times, and damned if I'm not still here. Having a grandson who doesn’t know how to dial 911 wouldn't hurt.

Dear Bill,
My husband and I just moved into a new home with a relatively small backyard. How can we make our new yard more entertainment friendly?

Bonnie in Baton Rouge

Dear Bonnie,
Entertaining for you or for others? I often spend hours crying in my backyard, which my neighbors find pretty entertaining. Otherwise, I'm not Bonnie in Baton Rouge and don't know what you and your stupid husband find entertaining, so how the fuck should I know?

Dear Bill,
I have recently thinned out some trees from a wooded portion of my property. I've sprayed twice and it's almost entirely clear of weeds. When I reseed will the grass seed choke out any new weeds that might try to grow when I water the germinating grass, or will I need to make sure that all of the weeds are 100% dead before I start?

John in Crossville

Dear John,
I would spray one more time, till the next day and apply the topsoil prior to reseeding. This will help get closest to what you have in mind, but know that such illusions rarely become reality. Take my son, for example. So bright and handsome as a child, he was recently convicted of child molestation. Stuck his finger right up a kid's butthole. Then he blew him. Not the kind of stuff dreams are made of John, I can tell you that much.

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