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Ted Cruz Masturbates for 23 Hours on Senate Floor

After more than 23 hours spent masturbating on the Senate floor, Texas Senator Ted Cruz ended his protest against federal school lunch subsidies with a satisfied grunt Thursday afternoon.

Though described as "more of an exasperated groan" by democrats, Cruz's latest high-profile exhibition broke the record for longest jerk by a US Senator, besting Strom Thurmond's 22-hour jerk-a-thon against the Civil Rights Act of 1957.

Cruz, who did or didn't actually finish in a wad of Kleenex he produced from his jacket pocket, used no Vaseline or any other lubricant on his penis, and read from several children's books while he stroked his caucus.

"'So you're the little puppies who dig holes under fences... No rice pudding for you tonight'," Cruz recited a passage from "The Poky Little Puppy" while groping his semi-erecet penis, "Oh yeah, who's a naughty little puppy? You are, you son of a bitch."

In addition to jacking off to the entire Berenstain Bears anthology, including the Big Chapter Books "The Berenstain Bears Christmas Tree" and "The Berenstain Bears and the Nerdy Nephew", Senator Cruz stopped to take questions from helpful Republican colleagues, revealing that his favorite side is macaroni salad and his favorite Scosese movie is "The Aviator".

Democrats were largely dismissive of Cruz's effort, noting that it could not affect the repeal of the legislation in question, and that The Aviator sucked.

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