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Chris Christie's Entire Staff Dies in Series of Overnight Accidents
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's entire staff and cabinet was killed last night in a series of over six dozen mishaps, according to a suicide note left by Christie's Press Secretary Michael Drewniak.
Drewniak, who severed his own penis and inserted it into his mouth prior to slashing his throat and wrists, wondered over the coincidence of such a high number of nearly simultaneous, unconnected tragedies.
"I might attempt to calculate the probability of something like this if I wasn't such a stupid piece of human garbage," he wrote in his email to the Newark Star-Ledger.
New Jersey police confirmed the deaths of several members of Christie's staff this morning, including those of Senior Aide Jennifer Morris, Attorney General John Boxer and State Comptroller Matthew Hoffman, who all perished in a fire that consumed the Governor's Office in Trenton last night.
Remarked Trenton Deputy Police Commissioner Tom Duckworth: "Also recovered in close proximity to the Governor's Office were the bodies of Governor's Chief of Staff Michael Evans, Secretary of State Kimberly Blake and Civil Service Commission Chair Robert Dickson, each of whom shot themselves with an identical firearm upon their evacuation of the building."
Christie aides Lisa Mitchell and Robert Fantino also reportedly died in a fire last night after the abandoned warehouse the pair were in burned to the ground in Bordentown Township.
In Princeton, Police have confirmed that within the last 24 hours New Jersey Banking Commissioner Andrew Greggs passed away after falling down a flight of concrete stairs, Commissioner of Community Affairs Diane Campbell drowned in her pool, and Adjutant General Dennis Martinez tripped headfirst into a wood chipper.
An emotional Governor Christie commented on the unfathomable sequence of tragedies that has taken the lives of his entire administration, with the possible exception of Motor Vehicles Commission Chairman David Ross, whose whereabouts are currently unaccounted for.
"Words cannot express my sadness this morning as I struggle to comprehend the depth of this catastrophe," Christie said, "All I can hope for now is that Mr. Ross is OK and that we find him soon."
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