Carnival to Start Catering Cruises to Masochists, the Mentally Ill

Carnival Cruise Lines has scrapped a $200 million plan to upgrade their fleet of ships, opting instead to cater their voyages to self-loathing masochists and the mentally ill.

"There are a lot of people who would like being stranded on a ship with no running water or functioning toilets – because they don't like themselves," stated Carnival spokesman Roger Landry.

In addition to inconsistent mechanical and sanitation function, future Carnival passengers might look forward to being beaten by crew members or hunted by wild animals set loose aboard their ship.

"When you set sail with Carnival you'll never know what to expect. Maybe you'll contract dysentery from contaminated drinking water, or maybe you'll be attacked by a leopard," Landry boasted, "Whatever the case, these are the kind of vacations our rotten customers deserve."

Another Carnival line of cruises will seek to recreate famous voyages of maritime past. Announced so far, the "slave ship" Carnival Amistad will sail chained passengers from Africa to the US amidst conditions not fit for animals, while the Carnival Lusitania will offer its patrons the experience of being aboard a large ship torpedoed by a German submarine.

"Or, for our more intrepid customers, brave seas of ice as you retrace the path of the Franklin expedition of 1845 seeking the Northwest Passage - an expedition that became icelocked in the Canadian Arctic and saw the death of all aboard by starvation, exposure or scurvy," offered Landry.