Cancer Kills Child Molester, Saves Day

ROCKFORD, IL - A girl was saved and potentially dozens more children's lives were spared after cancer took down a serial child rapist this weekend.

The subject of daily abuse since her June abduction by 35 year old librarian assistant Jeffrey Virgil Sneider, the girl was freed after a brain tumor from an undiagnosed melanoma forced her captor into the hospital, where he died shortly after.

In addition to his most recent victim, several skulls and a bag of small pairs of shoes were also discovered in Sneider's basement.

"He died so young. It really is such a blessing," Rockford Chief of Police Michael Montgomery remarked. "It looks like cancer really saved the day."

Often the target of scorn, chemotherapy and even radiation designed to destroy it, cancer has killed millions of very bad people over the course of history, including The Night Stalker and Miss Cleo, one of its biggest advocates, David Sharpe of 'Stand Up for Cancer', is quick to point out.

"Cancer gets a bad rap, but it actually does a lot of good," he said. "For example, it killed both my grandparents, and I inherited a bunch of money."