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Travel: The British Pub has all the Charm of an Elderly Flasher in Pastry
By: Stephen Druce

Tracing their history back to the old roman tavern era, public houses have been the scummy cornerstone of the British community for centuries and should be avoided by tourists at all costs.

Charmless little crevices commonly adorned in a yucky yellow décor, the old beams of these hovels are so low you have to belly dance under them on a carpet so stained it is made of fifty percent stain.

However, if you've lost your mind to the point of getting aroused at the sight of grown adults self-medicating in a dank, pee-smelling pigsty, be my guest.

Lavish bar snacks are always available in the pub. Smoked Salmon?, Prawn Cocktail?, Chicken L'orange?. Not quite. Pork Scratchings. Bags of deep fried misshapen chunks of pig skin covered in salty crumbs. What an appetizer.

'The Snug' is a private room in the pub, separated from the main bar. It was built specifically for patrons who enjoy socialising alone in a healthy atmosphere of manic depression, abject misery and claustrophobia. Try not to pop in and say hello.

There's always the opportunity for romance in the pub, i.e. the landlady. She's often so rough-looking though that you can't tell the front of her from the back.

The pub toilets are a comfort. There's nothing more refreshing than the subtle aroma of sodium hypochlorite bleach - a toxic poison chemical that when inhaled may cause an individual to cough their anus out. Nice touch.

But the highlight of the week at the pub is Karaoke night. Tone deaf novice crooners are encouraged to sing horrible songs they don't know the words to. Smart move. You can appreciate the logical decision behind the inclusion of Karaoke to the pub's entertainment schedule. Why book a professional singer when you can listen to the vocal prowess of local characters such as Fat Head Ted Belly Bubble Ass (not a tenor singer, but the fine product of incest), Gertrude Dung Heap Swill Rabies (not a soprano singer yet, but internationally renowned for having a body piercing in the anus division), and Olive Sewerage Scum Snot Bollocks (not quite a baritone vocalist, but credited for snorting the obscure class A drug - Mister Muscle oven cleaning fluid).

If you'd rather not listen to these amateurs singing you can always block your ears with Pork Scratchings - they won't look out of place. Some Pork Scratchings have hairs on them.


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