Blow Up Doll Replaces Vicar at Sermon
By Guest Writer: Stephen Druce

An Oxford vicar has lost his appeal in a recent unfair dismissal case. Vic Lord 61, was dismissed from his position at St. Mary's church in Oxford for his failure to attend a sermon - replacing himself with
a blow up doll.

Mr. Lord was unavailable to comment, but one regular church goer there - Stan Buff 33, commented - "My wife and I arrived at the church and as we sat down we noticed that the vicar was absent and a blow up doll was propped up in his place. My wife stared at it for a while and said 'that’s nice isn't it?', and I replied, 'no, I don’t think it's nice. I don't think it's nice at all. Not at all nice, not nice in the slightest, not in the slightest nice, not at all, no, not nice at all, not nice'."

"I went on," Buff continued, "Not that I have any experience with dolls of this nature you understand, but for a blow up doll to represent the church appropriately - to captivate the congregation here, and so not to deprecate the quality of the service, it must have make up on, stockings and suspenders, bracelets, three gaping unused holes and a smiley face. Wet wipes should be provided along with a puncture repair kit, an air pump, a lingerie set, lube - choice of flavours, and an additional wig. It should also be waterproof, tear proof, and an instructional manual should be provided inside the box with a three year guarantee. Not that I have any experience with dolls of this nature you understand but a figurehead of the church should have a certain allure - charisma, an aesthetic appeal."

"It was possibly the cheapest blow up doll I've ever seen," Buff elaborated, "made of rubber substitute, only one hole - the ear, so you’d have to stuff your throbbing member into it's actual brain - causing it to go completely insane - molesting the congregation, giving them all varieties of sexually transmitted diseases - infestations of pubic lice crabs eating all the bible pages - then where would we be able to listen to ancient fairy tales? So to answer your question - no, I don't think it's nice," I said. "I don't think it's nice at all. Not at all nice, not nice in the slightest, not in the slightest nice, not at all, no, not nice at all, not nice."

"And then my wife turned to me and said - 'I was being sarcastic'," Buff said.