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Banks Go on Offensive Against Elderly, Terminally Ill

On the morning of February 20th, Susan Bauer of Norfolk, Virginia was in bed when her front door was kicked in by Bank of America agents. Bauer, who has terminal cancer, crawled to her wheelchair as five men began ransacking her home, destroying family heirlooms and flushing the medication she depends on to stay alive down the toilet. One of the men then pushed the 58 year-old woman down the stairs of her front porch, where she landed face first on a concrete sidewalk.

Bauer had never missed a mortgage payment in 14 years.

Asked about their egregious blunder, Bank of America denied any error had been made.

"No mistake. Susan Bauer can suck it," BoA declared.

In response to their harsh treatment of Ms. Bauer, the House Committee on Financial Services issued the bank a formal reprimand and one billion dollars.

Meanwhile, those who are actually delinquent on their loan payments are faring worse the wrath of their unrestrained lenders.

In California last week, Reverend LeMarcus Barton, described by his Oakland neighbors as a pillar of the community, was dragged from the home he fell two payments behind on by Wells Fargo deputies and hacked to death with machetes.

The same day, in Escondido, CA, a 16 year-old girl with Down Syndrome who walked into a Citibank to open her first savings account was beaten and sodomized by bank employees – an atrocity that sparked such outrage that Citibank CEO Robert Dorn travelled to the hospital where the girl was recuperating to personally beat her to death and eat part of her leg.

"Hey, fuck you," said Dorn.

Criticized for not taking a more punitive stance against the nation's banking industry, US Treasury Deputy Secretary John Lasiter explained, "Good God, the last time I gave a bank more than a gentle chiding, my Russell Terrier ended splattered all over my backyard."

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