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But I Don't Wanna Go Back to Work!
By: Dale Kuyack

I don't care if I miss the bus. I don't wanna go back to work. And you can't make me!

Please don't make me. I'm old and sickly. And I don't wanna. All the other employees are going to be less than half my age, and they're going to laugh at me.

Also, my joints ache.

Ohhhhhhh… my aching joints!

I'm supposed to be retired, for Christ's sake. Why doesn't that daughter of yours, what's her name – get a job?

Oh. Right. At the same Target. Terrific. Well, maybe I'll just lay down and die, then. That'll solve all our problems. It's obvious your mother and I have outlived our welcome here on Earth, so maybe that'll be just what we do. Take overdoses of Avapro and let everyone get on with their lives.

I don't feel well.

But, still... I don't understand why we can't just get a reverse mortgage like Al Sherels. They-

Ok, fine. We discussed that. Stupid origination fees.

But what if I have an accident? I can't push carts around a parking lot all day. My feet will give out if my back doesn't first. And it's cold out. And what if they want me to greet people at the door with a smile on my face for six straight hours? I'm liable to tell some poor lady to go fuck herself.

Ohhhhh… my aching back.

Okay, fine then! I'll go! And YES, I have my fanny pack.

YES, I have all my medication!

God damnit.

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