Poor Back to School Tips

• Be sure to dress your child in the the most trendy brand name clothing lest they be tortured by their peers and grow up to be emotionally insecure oafs instead of shallow, contemptible dicks.

• They say those who can't do, teach. This means your child's first grade teacher is likely illiterate and lacking the basic motor functions required to trace her hand into the shape of a turkey. Keep this in mind when speaking to this imbecile.

• Prepare your child for the likelihood of a mass shooting at their school by buying them fake blood packs and teaching them to play dead.

• Objectively assess your child's shortcomings and condition them to the type of verbal abuse their classmates are likely to subject them to by calling them these names in the weeks leading up to their first day. For example, if your child is overweight, start calling him "lard ass". If your child walks with a limp, call her "teeter totter", and so forth.

• It is advisable your child walk up to their class's biggest student during their first day's recess and just start wailing on him. If your child is the biggest kid, warn him that shit is likely to go down.

• Drill it in your son's brain to never, ever, ever touch a girl's chest or between the legs, or else something really, really bad might happen.

• Many teachers will try to force you to buy specific supplies because they are corrupt and in cahoots with the school supply companies. Tell them that all your child needs to pass their class is half a brain and a number 2 pencil.

• Help your child make a strong first impression with his kindergarten teacher by versing him in the intricacies of European free trade policies as a backdrop to the ongoing conflict in Ukraine.

• If you think there's a good chance your child might have bathroom issues at school, hold him back. Better to be the kid who graduates high school when they're almost 19 than the kid who shit his pants ever.

• Remember: doing your part as a parent to raise a disciplined and well-educated child is crucial to furthering our fight to crush the Chinese.