Matt Gaetz to Spend Government Shutdown Fucking Underage Girls

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz, whose far-right Freedom Caucus is planning to shudder the federal government at the behest of former President Donald Trump, will spend his coming time off fucking underage girls.

"Matt loves fucking underage girls," Gaetz associate Joel Greenberg said. "Whether its shutting down Head Start and WIC programs that provide food and education for underage girls and their families or actually having sex with them, its definitely one of his favorite things."

"He'll claim its over spending cuts he knows will never pass because he can't say its all really about appeasing Trump wanting to stall his federal cases since that would make him look stupid considering the prosecution has their own separate funding, but for him it's really just all about fucking underage girls," added Greenberg, who pled guilty to drugging and having sex with an underage girl along with Gaetz in 2021.

Other longtime relations of Gaetz confirmed Greenberg's assessment.

"Sure, he'll also be fucking millions of boys, adults and seniors with this shutdown, but really its always about the underage girls. Some guys like golf, Matt loves fucking underage girls," one said.

As for his Gaetz's constituents, few seem to mind. Jared Klingler of Pensacola says he supports Gaetz's no matter what, even if it means lengthy TSA lines for a trip to Cancun he and his wife are leaving on next week.

"Give 'em hell, Matt," Klingler said. "We'll wait all day to get through security if it helps you do whatever it is you're doing."